We're Trying to Have a Society Here

Good manners are the glue of Substack.

I have been considering reposting My Rules from February 2023 here on Substack and recent mean-spirited posts and notes on this platform made me think this might be the right time.

My Rules are my personal code of conduct that I try to abide by every day. Maybe I don’t always succeed but I certainly give it my best shot. One of the reasons I love spending time in Paris is due to the strict etiquette and manners of daily life. The French are only rude if they think you are being rude and aren’t respecting their rules of proper behavior. In the US, it feels like we’ve all become a bit feral and could use a reminder that manners and etiquette are about how we treat others.

Emily Post defines the pillars of etiquette as consideration, respect, and honesty. These qualities are set in stone. Manners are the actions we take to demonstrate consideration, respect, and honesty toward others. Unlike etiquette, manners change constantly as society evolves.

I loved the recent Modern-Day Etiquette Guide from Angel Cake on Substack and highly recommend reading their post as well.

My Rules - originally published on February 4, 2023 and reposted with minor edits and a new follow up below.

You’d have to be living under a rock or taking a break from social media to not be aware of the hubbub surrounding the New York magazine article, Do You Know How to Behave?, which lists rules on “how to text, tip, ghost, host, and generally exist in polite society today”. Some of their rules are fun and very on point. Others sound incredibly snarky and a bit tone deaf so I put together my own list that I try to live by every day. 

Please and thank you go a long way.

It amazes me how many times a person on Instagram asks, or demands, something from me and never says please. Or the times I’ve gone out of my way to reply with very specific information and never receive a thank you. If someone holds the door for you, say thank you. Don’t drop the door on people behind you. When a clerk hands you your purchase, say thank you and look them in the eye. If you need something, someone is more likely to help you if you are nice and polite.

Give people your full attention.

There is nothing that drives me crazier than people who talk on the phone while they are in the grocery checkout line. It takes them forever to unload their cart and pay because they only have one hand, thus holding up everyone else behind them while ignoring the checkout person. Give the people in front of you your full attention and treat them like people. Don’t use your phone at the table. Take the photo but wait until you get home to post on Instagram. The person live in front of you is more important than the family, friends, and followers on your phone.

Get to know your neighborhood.

I visit the same UPS store to drop off my online shopping returns and mail out packages. The staff and I know each other well and always have a chat. It’s a pleasure to do business with them and when we see each on the street we wave and say hello.

Get to know people’s names. I always think of the scene from The Holiday when Kate Winslet’s character leaves the house and says good morning to the gardener and housekeeper using their names and then says hello to the mail carrier.

One of my friends who is incredibly nice told me that she always missed getting the new issue of World of Interiors at Casa Magazines. The owner started keeping a copy behind the counter for her without her even asking. Being a friendly regular, can often get your special privileges and make a big a big city feel like a small town.

Be self-aware and aware of others.

If you are stopped to have a conversation with someone on the sidewalk, move to the side so people can get around you, especially if you have giant strollers. Don’t park in the crosswalk. Take your Instagram picture and them move aside so other people can take a photo at popular places. Does someone look they are lost or need help? Ask them politely without scaring them.

The Lenox Hill post office door used to be extremely heavy. One day, I was walking up and passed two older women so when I got to the door and had to use all my might to open it, I stood there are waited for the women to walk up and enter. They were so thankful. Sometimes a small gesture goes a long way.

Carry cash and tip generously.

I have always tipped generously even when I made a lot less money. I joke that I like to make it rain when I travel but I also tip delivery people very well in NYC. Tip in cash because the delivery people might not see tips from online apps until they get their pay check. Also try to tip in cash instead of Venmo at salons. I asked my stylist and this is what she said they prefer.

I recently gave $20 to a Fresh Direct delivery person who delivered a few heavy bags even though I have an elevator and he said I made his night. You never know when someone might really need that extra cash.

Be thoughtful.

New Yorkers get a lot of things delivered so I always try to be thoughtful when it’s bad weather or the busy time of year. I always give out cold bottles of water to UPS, FedEx, and DHL delivery guys who bring my packages upstairs when it’s hot. I also hand out handwarmers when it’s cold. If you have a snowblower and your neighbor doesn’t, clear their sidewalk too. Send secret admirer Valentines to every unattached person you know.

I read a post about a man who would leave $100 at a pharmacy every month to pay for people’s prescriptions when they didn’t have enough to cover them. Another woman would leave unsigned gifts outside her elderly neighbor’s door every year for the holidays. Do things for other people without expecting anything in return and maybe good karma will be your reward.

Have the door open when someone arrives.

So many of my rules deal with delivery people because they are the people coming most often to my apartment on a regular basis. They have to be buzzed into my building because we don’t have a doorman. I know it takes 30 seconds for them to come up in the elevator and the buzzer is near the front door so I’ll stay there so I can be ready with the door open when they get off the elevator. That way they can hand me the item and get back on the elevator to go back down.

My neighbor was never ready with the door open so they had to knock and wait for her. The extra time she took meant the elevator would automatically go back downstairs. I thought it was so rude of her to waste their time when they probably get paid by the delivery.

But it’s nice to be in the hallway or at your front door to greet any guest before they have a chance to knock. Interior decorator Albert Hadley used to do this and he’s a good person to emulate.

Don’t use your phone on speaker mode in public.

No one needs to listen to your conversation or terrible taste in music on the bus, subway, plane, waiting room, or wherever. And no watching videos of any sort without headphones period. It’s just plain rude.

Tone it down.

I find extroverts to be utterly exhausting. The loud talking and need for attention is not everyone’s cup of tea so instead of asking why someone else is so quiet, maybe you should think about whether you are too loud. Introverts have rights too. Instead of doing all the talking, make sure you are asking other people questions. If you are quiet and curious once in a while, you might just learn something.

Be kind.

I really wish I could give some of you access to my Instagram DMs for a day. You probably wouldn’t even last an hour reading some of the awful messages people send me. Do you really want to get blocked by a stranger on the internet because you wanted to tell them they are ugly or spend too much money or you hate their house? Is that really the kind of energy you want to put out in the world because chances are it will return to you in kind. Don’t take your issues out on other people. That’s why therapists exist.

Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. 

Someone reminded me a while back about the Chinese restaurant episode of Seinfeld where George encounters a rude woman and says, "You know, we're living in a society! We're supposed to act in a civilized way!" I think about this interaction a lot. Even Kramer got into the act in another episode by chastising Jerry for not calling to thank someone and says, “Jerry, good manners are the glue of society”.

I honestly blame reality tv and specifically the Real Housewives franchise for the demise of civility and good manners. Viewers saw rich people behaving badly and thought maybe that’s the way I’m supposed to act. Instead of complaining or gossiping about someone behind their back like a normal person, they had to tell them straight to their face to be “real”. Obviously, it doesn’t make for good reality television if you don’t act up in front of the cameras.

“Honesty” in social life is often used as a cover for rudeness. But there is quite a difference between being candid in what you’re talking about, and people voicing their insulting opinions under the name of honesty. - Judith Martin, Miss Manners

I’m not going to link to the rage bait article that prompted this post, there are actually many, but there seems to be a lot of animosity from those who consider themselves real writers and those who they deem just influencers. Substack actively recruited me and many others to come to this platform. I finally came this year because I started to hear so many good things about the community and ability to find new voices.

The recent negativity is a bit disheartening and to be quite honest, depressing, as much of it feels very high school mean girl bullying. I had an older woman who bullied and harassed me for the entirety of my original blog. When she died suddenly earlier this year, I finally felt free. I don’t want others to deal with that bad energy and I certainly don’t want to feel it again myself. We are better than that here.

To quote my favorite line, don’t hate the player, hate the game. Be mad at Substack if you want to be mad at anyone. Don’t alienate new people and create negative energy just because you are jealous that someone has more followers or is making more money. Envy can be a powerful tool that can fuel your own ambitions if you use it correctly.  

Substack is no different than Blogpost or Wordpress apart from the monetization. There are no rules about what you can write about and what you can’t. In fact, it’s one of the biggest free speech platforms around, for better or worse. I mute topics I’m not interested in seeing and blocked a creepy anti-semitic guy who replied to one of my Notes this week. You can choose to read what interests you and ignore the rest.

As someone who straddles the line between writer, as a published book author and blogger of 17 years, and influencer, with a large following on Instagram, “I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void”, why can’t we all just get along?

XOXO,

HC

N.B. I don’t plan to repost very often from my original OG Habitually Chic blog but there are some posts that deserve to be seen by new audience. It allows me a take a breather when I’m busy or on holiday. It also gives me the ability to rework an original idea. Of course, I would never charge for something that was posted for free the first time.